Falling in Love in the Real World
by eatsleepreadwrite
Summary: James and Lily in modern day, sixth form to university transition. Occasional uses of strong language.
1. Catching Glances

I swear to God I just caught her looking at me. Or did I? I mean I thought I saw her eyes widen and then her head snap down to her paper, all in the space of a nanosecond. But maybe it's just my imagination. I want her to see me so badly, that I've gotten to the point of hallucinating.

Dear Lord I need to stop obsessing over Lily Evans. She's too clever, too beautiful, too perfect to go for a guy like me. Instead I'll obsess over Maths… Solve for x…

Eh, who am I kidding, Maths doesn't make my heart pound like she does. She manages to make me feel as though I've been shot with adrenaline, my body perceptive to any slight movement in the surroundings. If anything Maths makes my heart slow down, possibly to the point of stopping altogether. Has algebra always been this dull?

I swear to God I just caught him looking at me. Or did I? I mean I thought I saw his face soften slightly as his eyes slid over to fixate on me. But maybe it's just my imagination. I want him to see me so badly, that I've gotten to the point of hallucinating.

Dear Lord I need to stop obsessing over James Potter. He's the Headmaster's boy who rode in here on a golden horse. I'm just the council estate kid who rode here on a tentative scholarship. Instead, I better focus on my work. You don't get paid for fantasising about a boy.

Eh, who am I kidding, I can't stay away. I can't talk to him, or interact with him in any way except awkward smiles and stuttered hellos, but somehow, it's enough.


	2. Last Day of School

It's the last day of school and I'm not in a good mood. Not angry, but sad. I shouldn't be, A-Levels are over, school's out and I've got an entire summer to up my game for uni. KCL looks pretty awesome, and with any luck there'll be a nice girl to take my mind off a certain ginger girl who is making this day depressing. The thought of not seeing her ever again after today is draining all of my happiness over finished exams.

It's so stupid, and as my mother always says: "there are plenty of fish in the sea". But for some reason, I really like this one stupid fish with her stupid perfection. How the fish laughs, rocking back and forth in silent hilarity before snorting loudly and hoping no one noticed. How the fish is always the first to offer up her services, always the first to help out. How the fish manages to make everyone feel better, even when the day is cloudy and the future seems dismal.

Am I still talking about a fish?

Damn it. Top of my class, passing my exams with flying colours, an acceptance to UCL, one of the top English universities and yet my mind is on a boy. A ridiculous, idiotic boy. He waltzes in here, number one slacker, scraping past with his school work. I know he cares, and I know he's smart which pisses me off to no end because it just means he's lazy.

A lazy, good-for-nothing misogynistic pig who laughed at a rape joke. He's such a child, an infant who hasn't learned yet what value education holds.

But he's a gentleman. He opens up the doors, even for teachers I know he hates. He always thanks the cooks when they serve him lunch, and it's not for any ulterior motives other than him just being him. He pretends like he's the coolest kid in school, not caring about shit, but I know he loves his family and his friends more than anything in the world.

I hate him but I like him too. And the fact that he's wiggled himself into my brain, despite my dislike, despite my insistence on forgetting him, annoys me. Why can't I let him go? I'll never see him again after today. It's time to let him go.


	3. Regrets Collect Like Old Friends

Why didn't I just say something to her? Anything? Give her my phone number. Just say hello. For God's sake, why couldn't I even just SMILE at her? I'm a fool! Because now I'll never see her again, no way of contacting her, no way of finding her again. I'm a fool.

"Hey James, you up for clubbing tonight? Remus even promised to take off his ridiculous sweater vest for the evening. You can't say no, mate."

I smile to myself. I think this is what I need, an evening with my mates, chilling out and celebrating my newfound freedom. And secretly, I'm hoping to forget Lily Evans.

I should have said something. Anything! Offered my number, my email. Now he's gone and I have no way to find him. It's useless, what's the point? He's gone, he's gone, he's gone. His quiet laugh at the back of the classroom, the twinkle in his eyes when someone tells a joke, his selfless manner, all gone. I should be grateful, the infantile behaviour is also gone, but somehow, it doesn't make up for the good things I've lost.

I think I'll go home, curl up in my PJs and binge watch some Netflix. Alice promised to bring over some Lindt chocolate and some popcorn when she comes over later. She's a good friend, and though I'd never tell her, I'm hoping that being with my friends will help me forget all about James Potter.


	4. Distractions

p class="MsoNormal"The club is intoxicating, the electronic beat pounding through my skull and body. The feeling is electrifying, igniting all the neurones in my arms, raising my hairs and sending tingles all over. I take another swig of the vodka coke and the sensation intensifies. My head takes on a fuzziness, a haze that muffles all my thoughts. All my thoughts but one, the very one I'm trying to forget./p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I dance, my arms throbbing and feet pounding, my limbs splaying like a madman. I can see Sirius chatting up some girl at the bar, and Remus is sitting in the corner, watching us all like a guard dog. Peter is playing wingman for Sirius, and though he's doing a pretty awful job, he looks pleased with himself./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"They're good friends. All of us broken in one way or another, but managing to find a whole as a unit. Each a piece of the jigsaw puzzle. Some of us fit more comfortably than others, but somehow we all slot together, jagged individuals forming a beautiful whole./span /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"Listen to me, waffling on about broken lives in a very Romantic way. It's no wonder I chose Philosophy for my major./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;""Oi, mate, come over here and dance with me! You look like a kicked puppy in the corner!"/span /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I reach over and drag Remus from his seat. He looks uncomfortable, like he's afraid that he's being watched and judged./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;""No one's looking, Remus. No one cares if you dance badly. Unless if you dance like Severus, that is, because then we might have to ban you from Fabric."/span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"Remus chuckles, but then gives me a stern look./span /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;""You shouldn't pick on him, James. None of us are perfect, least of all you. Severus is definitely a git, always provoking you when he doesn't need to. But you rise to the bait, especially when Evans is around."/span /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"With that, he makes his excuses and makes his way to the bar to find himself a 7-up, which I highly doubt they sell. Is it true? Am I such an obsessed child that I become a cruel bastard just to try and be seen in Evans's eyes? Am I that shallow?/span /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I think I am./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I'm close to drowning in self pity, but the music throbs in my skull and I'm drowning in an entirely different substance now. The electro beat, the repeating rhythm is addictive, as each time it pulses it blocks out a bit more of her face from my mind's eye./span /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"*/span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I'm a smart girl. I got 11 A*s at GCSE and I got 4 A*s at A-Level. I always map out the consequences of all my actions logically before making a move./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"But I have a short temper and a loud mouth. More than that, I'm a romantic at heart and it's not a useful trait to have when you're trying to convince everyone else that you think with your head, not your heart./span /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I want to study Biochemistry next year, and I think it suits me. A mix of the qualitative Biology knowledge with quantifiable Chemistry equations. It's perfect for a logical mind./span /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"However, right now, my mind is anything but that. Lying in bed, watching rom-coms on repeat, dreaming about how my life might be different if I had done this or that, or lived in a world where Westley would fall into my life and whisper: "as you wish" into my ear./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"Alas, I live in the real world where I have no Westley, no Jack nor Noah Calhoun. Instead, I have a computer, Netflix and a pizza on the way./span /p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"Ding, dong./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;""Coming!"/span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I run to the door, and throw it open. My favourite scene unfolds before me: my best friend holding a Florentine pizza and em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"Easy A/em on Bluray. She knows me too well./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;""I know you don't wanna tell me, and that's fine, you know I won't pry, but doesn't mean we can't have an awesome night in, chilling and forgetting all about school."/span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;""You're the best Alice."/span/p  
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I hug her tightly, squishing the pizza box slightly as I do so. I shut the door and we collapse on the sofa, where we will stay for the next fourteen hours./span /p 


	5. Dogged By The Other

div style="mso-element: para-border-div; border-top: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-right: none; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 1.0pt 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;"  
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 1.0pt 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I think about her a lot. I mean, don't get me wrong, I also think about pizza a lot, and I don't have romantic feelings for pizza./span /p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 1.0pt 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"The more I think about it, the more I'm sure that I'm half in love with Lily Evans and I'm never gonna see her again./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 1.0pt 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"This sucks./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 1.0pt 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"*/span/p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 1.0pt 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;"I don't know why, but James Potter will not leave me alone. Not physically, of course, else I would be jumping for joy. Mentally. Emotionally. Doesn't matter which, the point is that this annoying prat whom I love, much to my dismay, will not leave my brain. It doesn't matter how many rom coms I watch, I always end up hoping I'll be in one, with James as my knight in shining armour./span/p  
p class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; padding: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 1.0pt 0cm 1.0pt 0cm;"span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: Calibri;" /spanspan style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Calibri;"Not that I'd ever tell Alice, of course. I'm the sensible one. Lily Evans doesn't get crushes on the infamous James Potter./span /p  
/div 


	6. Stuck in a Rut

"Come on James, you have your midterm exams to study for! You got into this bloody university and I think you want to stay, don't you?"

You know it's bad when Sirius Black is telling you to study.

"I know, mate, and I'll be fine. You can't help me with Nietszche as I'm pretty sure it's not a required module in Comparative Literature."

"Doesn't mean I can't encourage you to study. Come on, Prongs, it's not sixth form any more! You can't skate past, you gotta actually do shit here."

I sigh, and roll my eyes internally. As if he can talk. All he does is get off with gorgeous women and brag about it the next day.

"Tomorrow, Padfoot, tomorrow. Tonight, to the club!"

Now it's his turn to sigh.

"Again? Fabric, again? You're obsessed with the place. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought you had some girl there, you're so addicted to the place."

I grab my coat, and make a beeline for the door. I don't bother with my keys as I know Sirius will be here later, to let me in, much to his chagrin.

"I'll see you later, Padfoot. Try not to get too frisky with _Robinson Crusoe_ while I'm gone."

I can hear a loud snort before the door clicks shut. Then, I'm on my way.

"Lily Evans. This is an intervention. You, my friend, have become a hermit, a cranky old spinster who's locked herself in her tower for months on end."

Alice looks down at my with a disapproving stare. I've had this lecture coming for weeks, ever since I told her, okay yelled at her, that I, Lily Evans, am a homebody who declines every invite to go out until the end of time.

"Alice…"

"Don't 'Alice' me! You shut yourself in your room for days on end with Netflix as your only friend."

"Hey that rhymed! You're a poet and you don't–"

"Shut UP, Lily! You can't be a loner all your life, you gotta get up and put yourself out there! It feels like only yesterday that we chatted about getting ready for uni and leaving school behind, when it was actually two years ago! And you haven't moved a muscle since!"

Two years? Was it really that long ago?

"I know Alice, I know. I just get so comfortable here, with you and with our apartment, and when I'm not throwing myself at my books it's hard to relax."

I look down at my bare feet, the toenail polish chipped and my nails like talons in need of a good trim.

"Well, the only way to solve this is to start now. Put something hot on, we're going to Fabric."

She looks quite smug actually, but I can see the relief behind her eyes that I'm finally making a move.

"Fabric? As in the club? I don't know Alice…"

"I don't care what you don't know. We're going and that's final. You need to get out of this apartment for a while, it's starting to reek of your bare sweaty feet."

At that, I almost smile. I guess this is what friends are for. To talk straight to you and help you at your low points. With an exhausted sigh, I pick myself out of my bed sheets and head to my closet where all my dusty clothes lie. I pull out a dress, brush it off and slip it on. Here goes nothing.


	7. Into the Club

Every time I line up at the club door, I always ask myself why I love this club in particular so much. I never have found an answer, but I know that as soon as I get inside, hear that electronic beat pounding and that rapper rapping words I'll never hear, a weird calm suffocates all my uncomfortable feelings and I feel numb.

I step inside and the sound washes over me, the green strobe lights cutting through the smoky air, the air thick with sweat, lust and sound. It's disgusting and irresistible at the same time.

It's so dark I can hardly make out any faces. I think there's a couple of cute girls dancing on the ledge at the side, but I turn away. That's not why I'm here. I'm here for the high not for the chicks. Something Sirius would shoot me for thinking, but hey, he's not here and I am.

I weave my way into the crowd and start to bob, the sound running down my spine. It's better than cocaine, I swear. It's a depressant and a stimulant all in one.

Closing my eyes intensifies the high and I feel fantastic.

"Jesus Christ, it's loud in here!" I yell, as Alice cranes her neck trying to hear what I'm saying.

She clearly doesn't hear me, but drags me to the bar instead. We do a couple of shots and my inhibitions are suitably low enough for her to drag me to the dance floor. The music is loud and repetitive, with lyrics I can't make out. Very few people are actually dancing, which is a shame, and most are bobbing out of time with the music.

It's not my usual music, but it's not exactly my usual scene either, so I dive right in. I pump my fists, thrusting my arms into the air. My legs weave in and out, my hips sliding from side to side. I let the beat run through me. Sometimes it's awkward and out of sync, but a numbing hypnosis trickles over me.

I'm me, but I'm also not. I'm another body in the club, dancing away my troubles.

I feel fantastic, like I could rule the world or move a mountain with only my mind. My eyes are closed and I feel invincible.

There's a warm body, pressed up against mine. Not unusual given the popularity of the club, but unusual in the respect that whoever this girl is, she's dancing like she doesn't give a single damn what anyone else thinks. We dance and dance, limbs intertwining, hips gyrating in time. I can feel the heat of her body rise, and I can smell her sweat as she dances.

The whole sensation is indescribable.

The music stops as the artist switches over and I see Alice looking at me.

"Woah. This is a whole other side of you I've never seen before. How have we never gone clubbing together before?"

Her eyes are wide, and I cringe a bit. I hope no one else has noticed me. I swear I'm not usually like this, but it's amazing how the electronic mist can change someone.

The music starts again and I'm shoved up against someone behind me. Ordinarily, I'd shy away from the unwanted contact with the stranger, but I'm slightly drunk and on a musical high, so I embrace it.

I need to start thinking with my head more.

I swear I can feel her pulse, her own beat of life radiating off her like she's her own music. I catch on to the steady lub-dub rhythm, and I think she must hear mine because she does the same thing. We're out of sync with the rap but I don't think either of us cares. We've found another beat, even louder and more vivacious than the first. With this music there's a new kind of clarity sans the fog. But somehow, it still has that same high feeling.

I've never danced like this before, never danced with someone like this before. I think back to my rom com movies and never have they described with the right accuracy as the high you get when you're dancing to the beat of a stranger's heart. Call me a romantic, but I can feel a tug, a pull to this stranger. The air between us is electrostatic, almost tangible with the heat it possesses.

At that moment I forget everything. Forget about protein structures, forget about tomorrow's 8AM class, even forget about Alice, just for a moment.

I'm not the type of guy who gets off with girls left right and centre. I leave that to Sirius. But tonight, with this woman in front of me, all rules are thrown out of the window and caution is thrown to the wind. She turns around to face me. Head tilted up.

I can't see her face but I couldn't care less. She could be Medusa and I'd still kiss her.

In case you hadn't picked it up already, but I'm normally a fairly conserved person. I had my first kiss with Johnny Dean in the orchard in the school gardens. Never gone beyond second base and I've had a grand total of one boyfriend before.

Tonight. Tonight, though, something's different. I feel wild and free, and suddenly I couldn't care less about safety and logic. I turn around and see him leaning down, and I don't look away, I embrace it.


	8. Kissing

This kiss is fucking fantastic. I don't believe in soul mates or love at first sight, but damn if anything was to convince me, it would be this.

It doesn't get better than this.

My mouth feels like a sparkler on Bonfire night. I'm suddenly aware of about a trillion new nerve endings in my mouth that I didn't have before, and I'm so grateful. My whole body is on fire, and I feel like any moment I might shoot into the sky and explode. The mixture of sulphur, charcoal and potassium nitrate that this night has fuelled me with is being lit by this man's kiss. The kiss doesn't give me fireworks, I am the firework.


	9. Letting Go of Idols

We're stumbling backwards to the back of the room, and I'm half carrying her due to my height. I almost trip over a chair leg, but it doesn't matter because we fall onto a black leather chair and I can kiss her more deeply. More and more, and I'm so hungry for her that it's like I've been starved all my life until now.

We've stumbled over to a black leather chair. It's probably covered in vomit, spilled drinks and other sticky, unknown substances, but I couldn't care less. I don't care if a leper had sat here, because I'm lost in him.

I open my eyes for a moment, more by accident or instinct than anything else as we fall. I catch a flash of red hair and my heart convulses for a nanosecond. That's why I was here, to forget all about a red headed girl and all my regrets that followed.

I pull back, ashamed, ashamed that I clearly haven't grown up enough. I'm making a mistake, making out with this girl when I know I'm in love with Lily Evans.

He pulls back and my entire face goes cold, despite the stifling heat of the club. My eyes crack open and I see a man with black glasses and black hair. My chest constricts for a moment as I remember a boy with black glasses and black hair who drove me crazy silently for too many years.

I'm glad he's pulled back. I don't need to get drunk on lust and do something stupid. I push myself off the sofa to leave.

She's readying herself to leave, I can tell. The fluorescent lights are unflattering to everyone, even a supermodel, but when she lifts her head momentarily I swear she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

 _But what about Lily?_

 _What about her?_

 _I love her._

 _She's a figment of your fantasies James. She's gone, never knew you existed. You have some wonderful perfect image of her in your head, but that's not her. This girl though, she's here. You feel something. Why not give it a shot?_

My hands rise to the girl's face of their own volition and turn her face towards to me, so she can see what I'll try to say.

I can feel his hands on my face, encouraging me to look at him. Oh how I want to look at him, look at this man who I have such a connection with.

I sob internally. Why must I think of James Potter at a time like this? I want to let him go, want to be free of the chains weighing me down.

At this point, he's a fictitious boy, created by threads of rumours and sewn by glimpses of a kinder boy from the corner of my eye. He's not real. But this man is.

I turn to face him.


	10. Familiarity

Her eyes, a deep shade of green, look so familiar. I feel as though I've stared at her for my whole life, for years. I run my fingers through her tangled red hair, the smooth fibres sliding past my skin. I feel like I know her.

He looks so familiar. Do I know him? His brown eyes are so warm, like chocolate bars on a hot day. His glasses are a little beaten up, the glass is scratched and the frames are worn. His neck is smooth, his skin feels almost as warm as I do. I feel like I know him.


	11. Fuck

Fuck.

Fuck.


	12. I Just Kissed

"Lily Evans?"

"James Potter?"

Jesus fucking Christ. I just snogged Lily Evans. Lily freaking Evans.

Well beat me with a toilet brush. I just snogged James Potter. James freaking Potter.

For a good few minutes we just stare at each other in shock. The odds of me finding her, in this club let alone in London are miniscule. And yet…

I can't believe he's here. He's actually here. If I believed in fate and all that crap, I'd think that the universe is trying to tell me something. I might believe that anyway.

"You…why…how…you…"

Her eyes are wide but I can see her smile reach her irises.

"You already said you."

I exhale loudly.

"I know. I just can't believe you're here."

"What are the chances?"

What are the chances indeed. I feel like it's a second chance, a second shot at being a part of Lily Evans's life.

"This is awkward right? I don't know where to begin. Do I ask you how you've been or is that too weird after two years of stilted conversation and two more of total silence?"

I'm glad he's said it. Outright stated that we have an awkward tension between us.

"Definitely." I pause for a moment. "Want to go outside where I can actually hear you?"

He nods and we head for the door. His hand reaches behind him to make sure I don't get lost in the crowd, but then he remembers who I am and it falls.


	13. Shall We Pretend?

"I can't believe it's you. I really can't."

I'm still dumbfounded and still sounding like an idiot.

"I know." She pauses again, as if mapping out her words before she says them. "Look. You can just go back in there and pretend like you didn't see me if you want. It's really odd seeing you again, after so many years. I think we've both changed a lot, and I understand if you don't want to go down the path of reliving sixth form all over again."

Is she for real? I'd give my left arm to relive sixth form again, to fix things.

"No! I mean, I know it's weird. But I kind of don't care. I always wanted to find you again, but I have to say, I never envisioned our reunion in a dark club at 2AM."

She laughs.

"Neither. You have always been some image in my head, but you were never real. I'm worried that my imagination has run away with me, and that we'll disappoint each other."

My heart hits a speed bump and lurches.

Did I want to let this boy know everything inside my soul? Apparently so, because I don't think I've ever been this honest in my life.

I can visibly see the disappointment on his face, until he perks up with a sudden vigour.

"Then let's just ignore it. Ignore the fact that we once knew each other and just live in the moment. Carpe diem and all that shit."

I don't realise I'm grinning until I see my face reflected back in my glasses. In a moment of wild freedom, I whisper: "Sounds perfect."

There's a rush of air from the space in front of me, then his lips crash into mine again.


	14. A Break From Reality

I fumble for the doorknob and twist it. Thank the Lord for Sirius Black and his devotion to classical literature.

We're stumbling again, this time into his apartment. I have no idea how we got here, or why the door is unlocked. Time doesn't seem to matter when I'm with him.

We're at my bedroom door and I look down at her, in a sudden panic that it's just me who's feeling this whirlwind of emotion, and that she doesn't want to do this.

He's stopped and I look up. He looks worried and I wonder why. Then it hits me.

"Believe me, James, I want to do this. I've wanted to do this since I was fourteen."

He grins and the door clicks shut behind us.


	15. From Heaven To Hell

I wake up and see her beside me. Never, not in any or all of my dreams did I ever think I'd be so lucky to wake up and see Lily Evans lying next to me, sleeping so peacefully.

I smile to myself, even though I know she can't see me. I'm so fucking lucky.

I pull on some clothes and shoes. I'll run across the road to the bakery, and pick us up something for breakfast.

I'm out the door in a flash, already looking forward to coming back here.

I wake up to a loud click that sounds like a door. I turn over to my left, but all I see is blank space, empty sheets. There are creases where a body should lie, lie next to me.

He's gone.

It's like a punch to my gut and I try not to cry. A lump the size of Jupiter rises in my oesophagus and I try to bite it down, to no avail. Tears seep from my stubborn eyes, and I bury myself into the pillow.

It's okay, James. I get the message. One night stands with cheap women. You haven't changed a bit.

I drag myself out of the bed and shove my dress over my head. It's okay. I get the fucking message.

Damn keys, why the hell did I lock the door?

I push the door open with energy I didn't have yesterday. I try to close the door quietly so as not to wake her. I creep back into the bedroom and my stomach drops.

She's gone.

I bite back the bile that's rising in my throat. So this is how it was. It's unwaveringly clear that last night meant a lot more to me than it did to her.

I chuck the bagels and coffee into the bin, not caring how the liquid runs out of the metal sheet bin onto the cream carpet. Doesn't matter. I'll bleach the whole fucking floor with my tears and regrets anyway.


	16. Role Reversal

Seven months on, and I'm not over here. Sirius is glad I've stopped going to the club, but now he's worried for a whole different reason. I spend my days and nights in my room, watching TV or studying for hours on end. My professors have noticed, but their pride in my improvement is tinged with worry for my consistently depressed behaviour.

I've seen her a couple of times on the street. We never make eye contact, but I swear I keep catching at her looking at me, almost angrily. I have no idea why. She's the one who snatched my heart and stomped on it, then hoovered up the remains like I'm part of her living room dust.

Alice had another intervention for me this morning, but for a whole different reason to last time. She says I've been partying too much, drinking away my sorrows, dancing away my troubles. My grades are slipping she says. She's worried she says. Alice says a lot.

She doesn't know why, of course. How could I admit that I fell in love with James Potter, a notorious bad boy? She'd tut tut and tell me I should have known better. Which I should have.


	17. An Awkward Encounter

I'm running late to class, for once in the last eleven months. I'm pretty sure all these pedestrians are out to get me, because this giant group of Japanese tourists seem to be going slower with every step. I cannot miss this lecture as finals are in a few weeks and I'll be damned if the last few months have been a waste!

Shit. I know better than to check my watch when running for the underground. Why does my lecture hall have to be across town?! I can't miss this, or I might be suspended or chucked out. My reckless behaviour the last few months has been flagged, and I can't afford to lose my place here.

I pray to the gods of anything that the train arrives on time. I'm sprinting faster than I did when Sirius and I were running for the strawberry ice cream the one time the school put it out for dessert (and the last time I might add). My lungs are burning and I –

They should make these pavements flatter and into lanes so that the slow people in one and the faster, hurried, late people in the other. Each alveoli is screaming for oxygen but I can't gasp it in quickly enough. Just one more corner and I –

BAM

BAM


	18. Acknowledging the Awkward Encounter

Aw crap. Just what I need. Some clutz running into me when my train is about to leave. I jump to me feet and brush myself off. I lean over to check that the other person is okay, but more out of courtesy than genuine concern. They've given me a hefty bruise on my shoulder.

Idiot. People should watch where they're going more often.

I pick myself up and grab my fallen notes. Great. All of them have fallen out of the ringbinder. I'm never going to get to my freaking train!

"Are you alright, miss?" I mutter, bending down to help her gather her notes which have spilt out everywhere. Not much use in being a bitter soul now – my train just left.

She looks up to meet my glare and my heart stops.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Sorry for running into you." Though I'm really not. It's your own bloody fault.

"Can I…"

My voice trails off as I clamp eyes on my accidental assailant.


	19. Falling in Love in the Real World

"Excuse me." I mutter coldly and try to push past, despite the thumping under my skin.

She looks at me bemusedly, like she can't believe what I'm saying.

"Yes, excuse you, James Potter. Hope your ego wasn't damaged with the fall."

I swivel around, irate.

"What?!"

"You heard me you pompous prat. I hope your big head wasn't scratched either. Lord knows the hundreds of women you get off with on a regular basis wouldn't be attracted to you otherwise."

I gape. How DARE she.

I swear I've never been so angry in my life. I'm not that outspoken, and when I am I try to tone it down. I've got a short temper but now it's practically a dynamite fuse.

"How dare you say that to me!" He shouts, little fleck of spit raining down on my face. "How can you be so fucking rude to me after everything, huh? How fucking DARE you!"

How fucking dare HIM. How can he stand there, high and mighty? Does he know what he did?

"Are you stupid? You can't say that to me! Not after everything you did to me! You sleazy man, running out on me." Oh shit, here comes the truth telling. "You have no idea how much that night meant to me, and then I wake up and you're gone. You have no idea how that felt, how it still feels!"

I'm in shock.

"Me…run out…on you? Are you insane Evans? I ran across the road for some breakfast and when I get back you had gone! How was I supposed to feel? Probably the best fucking night of my life and then the worst morning I've ever had! And I've seen Sirius on a Monday morning!"

She looks like she's about to say something, then stops herself.

"You were out getting breakfast?"

"YES! Do you honestly think I'd leave you in the lurch? Were you not there or something?"

Hell yes I was there. I just didn't think you felt the same way.

"At the time, yes. Now, maybe not. Didn't you think to leave me a note?"

Now it was his turn to look ashamed. As we'd both quietened down, I had time to look around. So many strangers staring at us, at the scene we'd made. Heat rose to my face and I ran straight for the exit.

"Lily! LILY!"

I keep screaming after her. I can't let her go, not again.

My heart is pounding and I feel sick. All those months, all those months wasted, pining after a guy I thought didn't care about me. And now what?

I trip going up the escalator and scrape my knee. But I keep going, keep running.

I shove the businessmen, the teens, the grannies with their knitting out the way. I have to get to her. I can't lose sight of her.

I reach the top of the stairs. I stumble to the railings next to the entrance and put all my weight on it. I can't support myself. I can't, not when all these feelings come crashing back like a tsunami.

I see her, see her red head. More shoving, more indignant shouts, but I don't care. I couldn't care less about them.

"Lily!"

I hear a shout and the tears start to come, though I will them not to. I don't cry over spilt milk, much less over boys.

He runs over to me and tries to look me in the eye.

"Lily I'm so fucking sorry. I know it's too little too late. So many wasted years and missed opportunities, 'cause I'm too stubborn to trust you. I'm so fucking sorry, Lily, I am."

Her eyes, so sad, like the world is being pulled away from him, leaving her in a black hole forever.

"What are you talking about, you moron? I've been so blind, so stubborn and reluctant to put myself out there. And when I did, and thought you didn't care… I just can't handle it, I can't, I can't. I can't put myself through all that again."

For the first time in months, I smiled.

"You idiot. You don't have to go through that again. Not ever, hear me? I've loved you since we were fourteen years old, through the idolised versions and real versions of you, I have never regretted meeting you Lily Evans. I love you, and I don't ever want to lose you again."

I looked up at him, a beautiful man through a wavy blur of tears. And I smiled for the first time in months.

"I don't want to lose you either. Never again, James Potter, never again."


End file.
